Just a few points before I begin:
(1) The following post is part of a rating category that I call “Burn this movie. Literally!”, dedicated to the worst films I’ve ever seen in my life.
(2) The final rating of this film, and any other film in this category, is 1/2 out of 5 stars.
(3) The title of this category simply means that if you buy this film on DVD (either original or bootlegged), you should, immediately after viewing it, pour gasoline or any flammable liquid on the DVD and set it on fire. If you borrow the DVD, you should do the same. But make sure to inform the person that you borrowed it from that it was either misplaced, lost or stolen. Don’t worry, he or she will understand. Why burn a DVD, you ask? ‘Cause the movie that’s encoded on it is FUCKING AWFUL and no one else should see it! EVER!
(4) During the short history of my blog, the first film to be inducted into this category was the Adam Sandler “comedy” “Jack and Jill”. Unlike that review, and from now on with this category, I’ll skip the plot and cast member list and just cut to the chase:- brief synopsis of film, why I hate film, why you should burn film.
(5) Finally, I plan to throw a bitch fit over why I hated this film, but I will keep it entertaining and to the point. Anyhoo….
Tonight’s episode is dedicated to “Piranha 3DD”, the pitiful excuse of a sequel to my guilty pleasure movie of 2010: “Piranha 3D” (or “Piranha” as it’s called in the DVD version). Yes, I admit it. I enjoyed the hell out of “Piranha”. How could I enjoy a movie so incredibly stupid, you ask? Well, for one thing, the film is self-aware of its own ridiculous premise (flesh-eating fish attacking a bunch of tourists during Spring Break), and as a result, it never takes itself seriously. Secondly, the film was so over-the-top in its goriness and sleaziness, that you had no choice but to sit back and enjoy the ride. Thirdly, the deaths in the film were so bloody and so hilarious that it blurred the line between genuine horror and gut-bursting comedy quite nicely! Finally, and most importantly, it was HIGHLY ENTERTAINING. In layman’s terms, it’s a Sy-Fy Original Movie – but one that’s actually intended to be funny.
So how, after the surprising success of “Piranha 3D”, could “Piranha 3DD” fail? Where do I begin? Look at the title, first of all. They added an extra “D” to the original title. I could imagine the male execs in an office meeting at Dimension Pictures thinking: “What’s the perfect title for the ‘Piranha 3D’ sequel?”. Just then, a full-figured female secretary hands each of the execs a cup of coffee. When she leaves, all the guys remain enamored by her gorgeous looks. And suddenly, an idea pops – “Why not call it Piranha 3DD? It’s a reference to boobs and they’ll be in 3D! Get it? Tee-hee-hee-hee!”. Now, as a marketing tool, that title actually works. People will watch this film, expecting 3D and topless women. But when you think about it, it’s a REALLY DUMB TITLE. And many people WILL NOT watch this film, because of the title alone. Unfortunately for me, I was one of the few that did.
Which brings me to the story. One year after the disastrous events that occurred in Lake Victoria (the setting of the original film), the flesh-eating piranha have managed to find their way into a water-park. It’s owned by a guy named Chet (in a career-ending performance by comic actor David Koechner) and his step-daughter Maddy (played by Danielle “Look how far I’ve come from the Disney Channel” Panabaker). Chet has opened an adult-themed section of the water-park called “The Big Wet”, much to the disapproval of Maddy. After her friends are attacked in separate incidents by the piranha, Maddy warns Chet that the fish will find their way into “The Big Wet” via the pipe system. Chet, being the douchebag that he is, ignores her. As expected, the piranha attack, biting the flesh off little kids and grown strippers alike (Yeah, there’s “water-certified” strippers in the water-park. Don’t ask). I’m not going to sp0il the end of the film, but I can say, with a heavy heart, that a sequel is hinted at. You’ve officially been warned.
While “Piranha 3DD” maintains the trademark gore of the original film, the humour that was tagged onto these gory sequences in “Piranha 3D” is almost non-existent in this film. And when these scenes try to be funny, it’s already too late to give a shit. Take for example a later scene involving Ving Rhames, who reprises his role as Deputy Vallon. Having lost his legs in the Lake Victoria attack in the first film, Vallon is fitted with shotguns for legs (which is a homage of sorts to Robert Rodriguez’s “Planet Terror” – a perfect example of a horror comedy done right). When he starts blasting at cheap-looking CG piranha in a swimming pool, it’s neither funny or awesome. It’s just LAME! Of course, there’s nudity in the film, but it’s mostly scenes with topless chicks either in the water or running out of the water before they’re bitten by cheap-looking CG piranha. They’re also a couple of sex scenes – but they play out like slasher-film sex scenes where someone either dies at the hands, or should I say fins, of cheap-looking CG piranha, or are horribly disfigured by cheap-looking CG piranha. There’s even a sex scene involving a guy, a girl and a cheap-looking CG piranha that’s actually less kinky than it sounds. Let’s just say that they’ll NEVER have sex again. Ouch! And did I mention the cheap-looking CG piranha?!
The plot of “Piranha 3DD”, thin as a fishbone, takes itself way too seriously. Am I supposed to care that a school of piranha are attacking a bunch of people IN A WATER-PARK?! Am I supposed to care that Barry (Matt Bush), who has a crush on Maddy and aspirations of marine biology, can’t swim?! The movie wants me to, but I just can’t. Also, the acting sucks. Yes, I know the film’s supposed to be reminiscent of the B-movie horror films of the 1970s and 1980s, but still…. the acting SUCKS! And not even the cameos by Gary Busey and David Hasselhoff (yes, ladies and gents, the Hoff is in this shit) help the film. David plays himself….or should I say a caricature of his iconic “Baywatch” lifeguard character Mitch Buchannon. In a nutshell, he delivers an unfunny performance that’s yet another nail in the coffin of his career.
But the true kick to my nuts is the running time of the film. Even though the full running time is approximately 83 minutes (including the end credits), the story itself plays out for 70 MINUTES! I shit you not! The next 10 minutes of the film is a mixture of end credits and non-hilarious bloopers. There’s even a bizarre-ass sequence with David Hasselhoff emulating his trademark “slow-motion run” from “Baywatch” while singing an equally bizarre-ass song. In that scene alone, my dreams of a movie version of “Baywatch” were shattered. Sigh.
I came into “Piranha 3DD” with lowered expectations, and boy, were they lowered even further. I was a huge fan of the original film and I must say, this sequel left me fucking pissed. Even if it was released straight to DVD, it still should’ve never been made. It’s a pathetic attempt to cash in on the success of the original film, and a slap to the face of the moviegoers who actually enjoyed it. Whether you liked “Piranha 3D” or not, you will loathe “Piranha 3DD” with every essence of your being. This may not be the worst film of 2012 just yet, but it’s definitely one of the top 10. Avoid this like bad fish.